In our last issue, Husband Hunter tossed back drinks with her latest match.com flame, a hot-shot ad man angling to become a U.S. diplomat. A week later, Diplomat still hadn’t rung her for date #2. She wondered if her offer to drive him home was to blame. The rotting broccoli stinking her pickup truck during their drive may not have come across as sexy.

Before continuing on, read Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 of Are You My Husband.

He didn’t call.

But he did text. A week and a half later.

Diplomat via text:

“Hey! Hope your week is going well. I’ve been real busy getting ready for DC and am ready for it to be over. Let me know if you’re up for doing something next week.”

Me, two hours later, trying to appear chipper, interesting and witty. But not too eager:

“Hey how are ya? Just finished up a story on crime in the city, real upbeat stuff! Hope ur studyin is goin well. I believe ur test is soon! How exciting — good luck with last-minute prep”

I never heard from him again.

Three plausible reasons for him never calling, e-mailing or texting me again:
a) It’s me
b) It’s the broccoli
c) He failed the diplomat exam 

 

I’m optimistic the answer is c.

Back to match.com.

When times get tough — go shopping for men online. That’s how I ended up on match.com: I was rebounding from a rebound.

We’ll call the initial rebound Oh Canada. Oh Canada and I broke up for more reasons than time to discuss now, but on cold lonely nights thoughts stray to really sexy ex-boyfriends, and we need match.com to rescue us.

Match.com keeps me hopeful there are rich, loving bachelors ready to raise my children and lavish me with attention.

At first this was all very exciting — ah, the choices!

I was over it within a week.

The e-mails and profiles are hauntingly similar. Each guy likes traveling, working out, watching The Office, playing with their nieces and nephews and is tired of the bar scene. Quite the revelation.

So basically all the men are worldly, physically fit, funny, love children and are ready for a serious commitment.

Right.

I quickly learned you can streamline the dating process to find your ideal match without actually reading profiles or e-mails— you’ll suddenly find more time for Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Simply use the 6×6 profile scan.

STEP 1. Immediately check the profile for height. We’re looking for 6 feet and up.

I spent eight years with a man who is 5 foot 10. He’s a lovely gent, but I missed the entire Sex and the City stilettos craze to appease his, ummm, shortcomings.

Dating Oh Canada, the initial rebound, further confirmed all romantic illusions about tall, athletic men making girls feel all lovely and dainty. He’s 6 foot 4 and a former college basketball player.

We’ll come back to him. Yes, we will.

STEP 2. Scroll down the match.com profile to view the salary. Look for six figures — a number with lots of zeros after it. If the profile suggests a salary under $100,000, be wary. Very wary. Statistics show online daters inflate their salary, on average, about $20,000.

I’m inflating my salary. I totally lie about my income on my profile. Is that wrong? I’m truthful about my eight — 5 foot 6 and proud!

Again, my sweet, but monetarily challenged, ex-boyfriend is to blame for my shameless criteria. Let’s call him Almost Fiancée. This wandering soul nearly convinced me I could live on the peso in Mexico for the rest of my life — likely so he could lawfully justify a siesta during the workday.

Don’t get me wrong, the man was not an idiot, his intellect was intimidating — professor for a mom, an engineer for a dad — he could recite almost every world capital. He just couldn’t bring in any capital.

STEP 3. If the 6×6 is approved, then move on to photos. If they’re decent in the photo arena, I’m open game.

Terrible, I know. I’m sure there are many sweet, short, poor men.

I’m just looking out for the welfare of my future children. I’m being selfless, think of all the potential suitors — dazzling smiles, fabulous pecs — that I’m passing up for the good of my offspring.

If you find me (still) living with my parents at age 42, lonely and bitter, feel free to smirk with pretension.

Next step: read the e-mail.

Let’s view a recent menu of e-mails:

Subject Line: “Honesty”

E-mail: Wow,U are very very sexy I would love to be on my hand’s an Knee’s awaiting ur Order’s. Be ur slave, An make U happy If interested shoot me a text xxx 763 90xx Keith

Realize I am not exaggerating a single detail. That e-mail was copied and pasted directly from match.com. This man can woo a lady.

Next.

Subject Line: “Hi”

Email: Hi there,

You have a very charming profile. Please take a look at mine and let me know if there is any interest. A profile, as such, is just that: a profile! It does not and can not even come close to conveying the true essence of me as a person. However, I hope you like what you read/see (either or both)!

I look forward to your positive response …

Best,

— Harry

Harry, it’s about snagging a date, not plotting your next career move.

Clearly these are some of the quirkier e-mails I’ve received. Most men are sweet and socially adept, at least via e-mail. In my first few weeks of match.com I corresponded with about 10 guys. Soon enough I was overwhelmed and bored. I needed face to face contact. I needed to meet the men behind the usernames.

Then Jazz Guy e-mailed me:

Hey,

Thought I would drop you a note … seems like we have a lot in common and would get along. Would you be interested in grabbing drinks sometime? Let me know, hope to hear from you.

-XXXXXXX

Ladies and gentlemen Husband Hunter is going on her first match.com date with a man who works in finance and likes jazz. Exciting stuff.

Read rest of the chapter in next issue of Amour Creole.